fifty-six: remembering my way back

i just watched a video on vimeo about a hmong film maker named dao chang. born in laos and now residing in the states, she is making her way back to laos to find answers about her past. this video jabbed me in a way i haven’t felt in a long time.

my second year in university, i coordinated a leadership retreat for the asian/asian-american student’s club. the event was held at a camp site. one of the activity was late at night called the refugee odyssey. the refugee odyssey, is a reenactment of real events during and after the vietnam war where many people fled from war zones into refugee camps in thailand and surrounding areas. the flight for safety wasn’t an easy one for those trying to escape.  the jungles were sometimes a safe and scary place. the sounds of wailing babies dying off in the distance, guns going off, the hush, the smell of dew… everything, every moment feeling like it could be your last.

after the activity, there is a round table discussion and reflection about participant’s reactions.

watching dao chang’s video reminded me again of the stories that were shared that night. the confusion, the questions, the heartaches from a war that changed the lives of so many. even for those who didn’t know that such an event had occurred in southeast asia, none left without a yearning for answers of their self identity.

i feel so lucky. i feel so alive. sometimes, being in japan makes me forget that part of me. that i am hmong… that i come from a past shared with so many other living souls. that… i have the chance, choice, opportunity, to be where i am today. to be able to question and understand the unfortunate events that have happened…

sometimes i forget, and when i do remember, i feel a dark spot in my heart grow larger. and that dark spot in my heart is always going to be there. sometimes tiny, small and forgotten… other times like now… growing larger and painful. it’s tied with the blood that flows through me… i can’t change what has happened to my people, my community. but i can work towards acknowledging and remembering that these events happened.

i am not going to be a walking history book on hmong people. but if anyone has a question, i will answer. the most important thing like i said, is to remember, wherever i am. 

xoxo

watch the video here:

fifty-four: sakura fever & something special

sakura season is approaching fast. i have dreamt of being here at this time of year for a long time. cherry blossoms. don’t worry, this isn’t going to be a post dedicated to only cherry blossoms (although, why shouldn’t it be?!). i look forward to seeing them with an open can of chuhi with friends! they haven’t started to bloom yet in Ibaraki – so i look forward to the days when they do. Ueno is suppose to have beautiful blossoms – thousands of people flock there to enjoy the weather & scenery. i heard the same for Kyoto and i have no doubt it’s gorgeous there as well. a few friends and i will be going to Nagano for a weekend trip towards the end of april – hopefully we will catch the blossoms there as well. spring season, for me, means a time to reflect and accept the changes to come. everything feels better in the spring.

besides my excitment for spring, i have another exciting news to share. for a long time, i have always, always hated running. i hate it with a passion and i don’t understand why people run. running. i want to throw up… lol. jk. anyway, i have decided to take up the challenge of doing something i hate. i hate running. i think that message is clear. but despite my intense hatred for this activity, i picked up an app on my iphone called “couch to 5k”. i am now on week 3 of training. how do i like it so far? today’s weather is sunny but it is super windy and i got all psyched up to go run but obviously that’s not going to happen anymore and i am… sad. so there you have it.

try the things you hate, and you might actually end up liking it (also, definitely consider the health benefits! AND i can’t wait to run under cherry blossom trees!!!!). but one thing forsure that will never change, my hatred for sashimi/sushi (tempura or anything cooked is fine by me). so, gambatte mai yer-chan! i can do this! ^_~

xoxo!

fifty-three: money, money, money

talking to my mom made me realize how out of control my spending habits are. but i believe i understand why as well.

i never had steady income. now that i do, i don’t know how to use my money or save it. hence, i can’t save anything, and i really need to.

besides, being in japan doesn’t really help with the saving part. sometimes, to be honest, i don’t realize how much i’m spending until i look at my bank account.

when i first came to japan, i didn’t bring much with me. i believe that because of that, i had to use a lot of money to jump start my life in japan.

well, now i feel like i keep throwing out excuses. here’s what i’m going to do. send half my paycheck home to pay for loans & savings. save some here as well. and i need to stick to this plan.

this isn’t a joke anymore and i have to be smart. if you have tips on how to save please send it my way!

fifty-two: exclusion

For the first time since I’ve been in Japan, I felt excluded. March 1st was graduation for many of the san-nensei in high school. First, I didn’t know you were supposed to dress up like you were going to a damn funeral. So there I was in my regular, day to day work clothes. I waited in the teacher’s room to be told what to do and no one told me what to do. I sat around and waited and finally, made my way to the gym where everyone was waiting for the ceremony to start.

After the ceremony, we made our way back to the teacher’s room. Where I waited again to see what would happen. For a brief moment, everyone was… gone from the teacher’s room. I realized later that all the teachers went to eat their bento boxes somewhere. I thought I was getting bento too but no one said anything. And no one did say anything all day. So I sat at my desk trying to figure out what the hell was going on.

For the first time since being here, I felt excluded. I don’t know if I should’ve done more. My “common sense” isn’t very common here in Japan. It’s overwhelming and after that long day of trying to figure out what was happening (and I did talk to one of my JTEs earlier on in the day but he did not do a very well explanation…), I decided not to attend the enkai and went home.

Instead, I bought myself some bento from the supermarket, tuned into season two of private practice, took a bath and worked on some art pieces. And I went to bed before midnight. People may think I’m not doing much, but I am doing so much mentally. It’s stressful and hard but I’m biting the bullet.

Fifty-one: Late Night Rambles

i called home and talked to my mom and dad today. it’s good to know that they aren’t sad anymore that i’m staying in japan another year. i’m sure though, that they miss me a lot. i miss them a lot too and i love them so much more. i’m appreciative of what i have and i would never exchange anything for that.

i’ve always been the type to give a lot of love to family and friends. whether i show it or not, i hope they know that they are loved. i’ve been put down a lot, broken a lot, and rejected. but i don’t know what it is… i keep standing back up.

i guess if anyone asks me what is one of my greatest assets… i’d say it’s that i never give up. i’ve felt like giving up before, but that’s no way to live. i continuously remember that and that’s why i’m where i am today.

is it a coincidence? i think not. is it fate? is it destiny? i don’t know. i suppose i draw it from my continuous love for the people around me. they keep me grounded & i’m thankful for that. i have a lot of love to give, and i guess knowing that when others around me are happy, i’m able to live. i’m looking for nothing in return. i hope that one day when i’m no longer here, the people i love will still feel the love i have for them like wildfire.

The Last Few Weeks in Pictures:

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(Strawberry picking, Niseko/Sapporo (Hokkaido), Naka (Ibaraki – girl’s weekend!), and a little party at my place (haha, being silly!).

p.s. i’m staying in japan for one more year. i’m pumped and can’t wait to make more awesome memories. ❤

Fifty: On Opportunity

If you have been following the news (even if you haven’t), you should already know about Linsanity. Harvard, Asian-American, and wait for it… basketball. After being cut from two NBA teams and landing with the Knicks, Lin had the opportunity to start, leading the Knicks to an incredible 7-win streak. This underdog, this incredible opportunity opened for Lin and what did he do with it? He took it.

If this isn’t Linspiration – I don’t know what is. This folks, is a reminder of all the opportunities for those of us who are privileged enough to choose. Yes this is for you my little sister in high school. Yes, this if for you, the one searching for inspiration. Yes, this is for you, the one searching for your own walk in life. This is one for everyone.

Opportunity.

A reminder to myself that being in Japan is an opportunity of a lifetime. I could’ve been rejected. I could’ve never landed an interview. I could’ve never finished college. I could’ve never been where I am today without taking up the opportunities available to me.

Middle school, eighth grade, three weeks before school ended, my English teacher presented an opportunity for the class. Anyone interested could apply for a college readiness program. At first, I thought, “Yeah, a week away from home? Lets do it.”

That one step took me here – Japan. Where will it take me next? I don’t know. But one thing is for sure: don’t look away from your opportunities. Don’t ever, ever give up.

forty-nine: on acceptance

lately, i have been going back and forth with this whole “people change” idea. i understand change. i think my problem lies in acceptance.

i’m still learning how to accept a lot of things. for example, that my family is changing… my friends are changing… and it gets difficult because i don’t know where i fit anymore because i’m literally 6,000+ miles away. i know that i cannot be indifferent about change. change is good, it is important because it shapes who we become.

anyway, i’m learning how to accept things as they come. i think it’s really difficult, this whole acceptance thing. because by accepting, i’m saying yes, i will change too. and i don’t know how to do that quite yet. i mean, in little ways, i am doing so – but it’s hard when you want to hold onto all the good things that has happened… even the bad ones. i know better things are going to replace these tokens i have in my pockets, but acceptance is letting go, and by doing so, all these tokens i am holding onto into will turn into memories. so… it’s kind of hard. sorry, i hope that wasn’t too hard to follow.

so i’m trying okay? baby steps.

 

 

forty-eight: where i am now

I have wrote a lot about the things I am doing but not much about how I am feeling and the changes that are happening to me these days. So, here we go.

I got a taste of how awesome being in Japan is these last few weeks. My social & work life picked up and I really appreciate all the people around me who has made this possible. I mean, I tried snowboarding for the first time and I love it! My teachers at each of my schools are amazing people. My students, although can be a pain in the butt sometimes, are amazing! As a whole, although I had a very hard time adjusting into my Japanese lifestyle, I am now enjoying it very much.

I realize how much I have grown over the past few months and all the things I have dealt with since being here. The first few months were super hard because before I came, one of my very good friends passed away. I came to Japan and had to deal with it alone, mentally and physically. I don’t know if anyone out there understands what it feels like… but it was strange and difficult mourning for my friend, and trying to live in a new country didn’t make it any easier. Then my boyfriend of three years and I broke up and for a while, my whole world just seemed to shatter into pieces. Japan just felt all wrong.

I understand that there are worst things happening in the world, but this experience, my experience, this is real for me. It was real. It was difficult. For a while, I was very depressed. I reached out to people back home but… I know everyone had their own things to deal with. For a while, I felt like a walking burden. I don’t want to make anyone feel like I was a burden. If I was, I am sorry.

Anyway, now, Japan is starting to feel right. Although I already signed the papers to come back home, I’m seriously having second thoughts. I want my Japan years to be great – and if I stay another year, I can be here with my entire body and soul. I love the me now. Yeah, I still feel like a mess all the time, but I have grown a lot (not literally sorry – still the same height), and I have so much more to grow.

Even if I end up returning home, it’ll be okay. I’ve been climbing up a mountain these last few months and for a while, I didn’t know if I would make it. But I did. I made it to the top and I intend to stay there – whether I am in Japan or not.

Forty-seven: Setsubun & Updates

(Friday, February 3, 2012)

Happy Setsubun Day! (And Black History Month!)

Today marks the annual holiday where children and adults alike consume soybeans (the amount your age – I’m 23 so I’ll eat 23), and toss the rest out of their house to cast out the bad and bring in with the new. (update: you’re actually suppose to toss it first, pick it up and eat it. But i could be wrong too…) You can find pictures of children tossing soybeans at monsters on Google if this holiday interests you. I have yet to participate in this tradition since I was literally running out of my apartment this morning!

A few things:

1) Today also marks the day for my final decision about whether I am recontracting with the JET Programme for next year. If you read my earlier post, you’d know that I have already decided, no. Being in Japan has been awesome but… I am really ready to go back home. The lifestyle in Japan doesn’t give me much room to breathe. I can go on for hours as to why I am going home so I will stop here. The next 6 months are going to be epic – even if I end up being broke when I come home.

2) Did I mention already that I went snowboarding a few weeks ago and almost died? It was my first time EVER! But it was pretty awesome and I loved every moment of it – yes, even the ones where I fell miserably or couldn’t get my booty off the freakin’ snow! This was in Niigata prefecture at Mt. Naeba and Mt. Kagura.

3) It’s strawberry season! So I went strawberry picking with two friends. I ate so much and the strawberries were delicious! Red, juicy and yum!

4) I need to go karoaking more. I went for the second time maybe last week (?) since I’ve been to Japan. Tsk tsk..

5) I am going to Hokkaido this weekend for some snowboarding and the Yuki Matsuri. It shall be pretty dope hanging out with other ALTs in my prefecture.

That sums up January and into February.

Besides that… I’ve been feeling like some changes need to be made and I need to figure out the next part of my life. I know I can do anything. I’ve been doing it all my life – starting from my first step.